Ok, so maybe it was a bit foolish to go exploring the caves without the proper equipment. I only wanted to see if I could spot some of the monsters described in the Acme Monster Book of Monster Spotting I got given last Christmas. Look what they’ve done to me. LOOK. I shall be writing to my MP about this, oh yes *SHAKES FIST*

I was woken this morning by a low chuckle that came from somewhere beyond the rim of my pit. I heard a soft, fluttering sound then something landed on my face.

What was it – some kind of parasitic spider-creature, trying to clamp itself to my brain? If only. It was this poster, and the return of my very worst nightmare:

Remember last June, when the monsters forced us to compete against each other for an audience’s amusement, and one of us was eaten? Well, at 1pm on Sunday 16th May at Bishop Greaves Theatre in Lincoln it will be HAPPENING ALL OVER AGAIN.

Who will be next down the monster’s gullet? Ali Sparkes? Tommy Donbavand? Mark Robson? Me? As you can see, our captors have cruelly reduced the number of contestants to four this time, the better to maximise our terror and desperation. With each of us facing a twenty-five percent chance of being devoured you can be sure that we will humiliate and debase ourselves all the more in our increasingly fevered efforts to escape a place on a monster’s menu.

For full details of our impending doom and exactly how you can come and watch, I present the following links:

Click here for the website of the Lincoln Book Festival, where you can download a full brochure of all the events.

Click here for the Bishop Greaves Theatre Box Office, where you can book tickets.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I feel another burst of sobbing coming on. ;D

Last Sunday, I was dragged from my cave in the dark, wee hours and bundled into the back of a van which – for some reason – was filled with boxes of books.  Little did I know I would be spending the next week being paraded around schools in Inverclyde and East Dunbartonshire on what was laughingly code-named the Scottish Friendly Children’s Book Tour.

There was nothing friendly about it at all!

Two monster handlers – disguised as humans called Chris and Heather – essentially put me on show for a week, forcing me to perform like a circus monkey in return for brief gasps of fresh air while I was lugging vast boxes of Scream Street books across endless car parks.  They even filmed me, prancing around like a trained bear, under strict instructions never to reveal how terrified I really was:

Thankfully, the torture ended on Friday, and I was dragged back to the relative discomfort of my damp, fetid cave.

Watch out, fellow authors – it could be your turn next!

*sob*

… for guessing what happened at the end of this event!

So that's what happened to GP Taylor!

Ali, Andy and I thought to make a break for it. We all raced out to Stratford upon Avon and hid amongst a host of librarians, teachers and other authors, but to no avail. Noodlepoop the Furious tracked us down by posing as the Renaissance Learning mascot and surreptitiously eating his way through the crowd. The organisers told us that GP Taylor couldn’t make it due to illness, but we know the truth. He was there alright, but if he had made a late appearance it would have been a messy one!

It’s no wonder Noodlepoop’s looking so happy in the picture. He probably hasn’t had that many juicy humans to eat in years. Jacqueline Wilson - if that was really Jacqueline Wilson - was lucky to escape before things turned ugly. 

It’s no good, guys. Trying to escape by twos and threes isn’t working. It’s going to have to be all or nothing. If we’re ever going to get out of here, we’re going to have to work as a team. Are you ready? On three … One … Two …

At long last – after more than a year of captivity – we are able to show you just what the vile creatures who kidnapped us look like!  Yes, these are the actual monsters who snatched us last January.

First up is Slugnok the Greater – a monster who takes particular delight in nibbling Sam Enthoven’s toes while he sleeps.  (You see, Sam – I told you it wasn’t Barry!)

Next, this is Dweep – a lesser monster with the unenviable task of slopping out the caves after our weekly slug curry.

And, finally, here’s Mr Squouch – the monster in charge of our author visits.  You’ll often find him lurking in the background whenever one of us visits a school, bookshop or library.

These terrifying, yet fantastic images were created by some of the best CGI artists in the world – and you can find a larger collection of pictures here, along with links to the artists’ websites.

However, while you are giggling at the images – please remember that these are true depictions of the monsters keeping us trapped in these dark, damp caves.  Please – send help as soon as possib-aarrrgggggghhhh!

We’ve been here for a year now.  Perhaps if I can find a way inside your computer, I may be able to get a message out…

Now it’s time for us all to do a little good.

I received the email below from Chris Bradford, author of the superb Young Samurai series. Come on folks, dig in for any help you can give and please pass the message on around your school, family, office – everyone!

Now, from Chris:

I hope you don’t mind me emailing you with this personal request.

A very good friend of mine’s little 2 year old girl, Stella, has been diagnosed with neuroblastoma (high risk) cancer. It is very sad. Her chances of survival are 20%, but an expensive antibody therapy – only available in the USA – will increase her chances to 80%.

The problem is her mother, Allison, needs to raise £250,000 for the treatment. So myself and Sarah are doing everything we can to help, and are asking all our friends and contacts to donate a little money to save her. Please do not feel obliged, but anything you can afford will really help. It’s easy to do, just click here – www.justgiving.com/stella-appeal

If a Facebook campaign can get half a million people to buy Rage Against The Machine into No.1 instead of the X Factor, we can certainly save Stella’s life. We only need 250,000 people to donate £1 or more…

Please pass on this message to Keep Stella Smiling!

For more information about the cause, please visit www.forstella.org

Thank you for your time,

Chris and Sarah

This is most worrying. The monsters are trying to change their public image by spin. Look at the commercial packaging on the new board game the monsters have snuck onto the market. The following is a direct quote:

What’s a Monster to do?

Monsters and humans UNITE! Why can’t we all just get along?

Don’t believe a word of it. It’s all lies!!! They’re not loveable. They don’t want to get along with humans. They’re horrible. It’s all a … AAAAArrrrrrggggghhhhhh!

Monsteropoly – the great new game for kids of all ages. Why don’t you get some monsters in your life today?

Don’t whisper – shout out loud!  For only by shouting will you be able to tell as many people as possible about the second utterly brilliant adventure in the annals of the world’s greatest monster investigator - Jack Slater and the Whisper of Doom!

Anyone who has been reading Trapped By Monsters recently will know that I sent a message to Jack, begging for his help in an effort to free myself and my fellow captive authors from the clutches of the monstrous, er… monsters.  Unfortunately, Jack’s attempt at a rescue didn’t quite go according to plan (not our fault, honest – but I bet he blames us!) and so, while I await is return (he is coming back, right?!), I settled back to read about his latest escapades.

Jack Slater and the Whisper of Doom takes our favourite beast basher to a whole new level of the monster underworld – a deep, scary level where he encounters the terrifying Mr Whisper.  But who could have dreamed up such a vile creature?  Why is he intent on attacking Cheery instead of Jack?  And just when will the self-made Minister for Monsters stop screaming?

The answers to these questions – and many more – can be found in the latest monster investigator case files –  the completely brilliant Jack Slater and the Whisper of Doom.

Just make sure you keep a teddy handy when you read it…