It’s nearly BACK TO SCHOOL in the caves. You might not think that school term times would have much meaning for we authors as we scribble away at our literary masterpieces under the watchful eye (literally, one eye) of INTESTINES JIMMY – the biggest and longest Monster in the caves. He gets the most author guard shifts because he can be – literally – in several places at once, being as he’s 300ft long and shaped like… well… intestines.

 

 

 

Part of Intestines Jimmy, yesterday

He has only one eye and it roves up and down his body at speed on a kind of caterpillar track, making sure we’re all hard at work crafting fabulous literature or illustrations for children and young adults.

Believe it or not, Back To School is very important to the Monsters.  Nearly as important as it is to those stationery and clothing shops whose managers put the BACK TO SCHOOL banners up even BEFORE you’ve finished the summer term (inducing many students to want to attack them with lumps of brick). As well as having to work out the guard duty for all the school visits they let us out to do (our guards are normally disguised as librarians) the Monsters also get out the blackboards and the chalk and make ready for a peculiar kind of torture known only to people over the age of about ten.

Many of you reading this will only know the way of Smartboards or whiteboards.

But some will recall the intense agony of the sound of chalk scraping unforgivingly on a blackboard.

The occasional shriek and shudder used to occur back in school days when chalk was commonly used. Sometimes even tears. Often from the teacher.

But the Monsters have perfected the art and every September they line us all up and chalk out some Caves Guidelines ve-e-e-e-ry slowly and screechily until we’re all sobbing and headbutting the stalactites and having nosebleeds and such.

So if you’re whingeing about going back to school next week, just think yourself LUCKY!

Anyway… the point of this post is this… if you ARE experiencing Back To School Gloom, there IS something you can do.

I cast around some of the other cave-inmates to see what FABULOUS BOOK they would recommend to help you through the first term. Because there is NOTHING better than a brilliant book for helping you to escape the stresses and strains of not having the right kind of pencil case/trainers/phone/face.

Here’s what they said:

‘What about ‘Gone’ by Michael Grant?’ gurgled William Hussey, of Witchfinder fame, in between having his head trapped in Fitzglobber’s warty armpits.  ‘The first book is ace and what better way to start a new school year than having all your teachers disappear?’

‘To follow with Bill’s suggestion,’ interrupted Alex Milway, of Mythical 9^th Division fame, emerging briefly from Fitzglobber’s other armpit. ‘How about the Demon Headmaster? I remember that being great!’

Sorrel Anderson, authoress of the fabulous Clumsies series, was in reflective mood.

‘When I was 10 or 11 and having a grim, GRIM time at school it was PG Wodehouse that kept me going, especially The Mating Season and the Code of the Woosters. I think it was because they were about someone being in difficult situations and things somehow working out OK in the end, however improbably, and also the way the words were.’ She smiled to herself mistily, and scraped some of the Monster goo out of her hair as if she barely noticed it. Which she mostly doesn’t, these days.

‘How about the H.I.V.E. series?’ shrieked Mortlock creator Jon Mayhew, as he hung upside down from something’s nostril.  He didn’t say why. But we all know they’re excellent.

And FURNACE author Alexander Gordon Smith, perhaps inspired by the situation we are all in, whispered, as he slid past, wrapped in several orange tentacles: ‘I’d recommend Holes, by Louis Sachar, because it’s such an awesome, feel-good book – and no school anywhere is ever going to be as bad as Camp Green Lake and the evil warden!’

And for me…? Well, it would have to be Brendon Chase by BB. This is SUCH a fabulous story, about three boys who run away to live in the woods and fend for themselves through hunting, shooting and fishing. I re-read it last year and it’s as brilliant as I remember from my school days. 

 

So go on –  you can find all of these (and of course, all of ours) for sale in your local bookshop or on line. Ask for a ‘back to school book’. (Hey! It’s worth a shot!) Get your book and wield it like a trusty paperback shield in those first tense two weeks of term. You never know when you’ll need it…

 

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