Today I’m going to take you through some of the things that cause me fear, distress and alarm. I’ve mentioned a few of my irrational fears in the past, so I won’t be going back over those again today, and I won’t be mentioning any of the monsters here in the caves because of course they’re ridiculously terrifying. Instead, I’ll be digging deeper into my disturbed psyche, right down into the darkest depths, and rummaging around a bit. Let’s see what gets dredged up in my FIVE FRIGHTENING FINGS! Er… Part 1.

5. Stuffed animals

No, I don’t mean teddy bears and the like, I mean this sort of glassy-eyed unpleasantness:

Taxidermy. The art of taking a dead animal, tearing out its guts, then ramming it full of sawdust. The result? A dignity-free afterlife for the animal, a dose of unrelenting terror for me.

I mean… why? What’s the purpose? Who can honestly say they would enjoy being inside that room, with all those vacant, yet somehow accusing expressions staring blankly down? I think if I ever found myself inside such a room, my brain and central nervous system would simply switch themselves off, killing me instantly. That’s how scared I’d be.

I found this image on a Taxidermy site online. Perhaps the most worrying thing is, it isn’t even the worst image. Check out this gallery and see for yourself.

Actually, I’ve just looked back myself and found this picture:

What in God’s name is that red thing in the middle?? The thing with the demon’s eyes and teeth? What is that? That’s no animal I’ve ever seen. Not while awake, anyway.

Right, onto the next one before a panic attack renders me immobile.

4. Everything in the sea

Now, I don’t just mean this sort of thing…

…although, that picture is probably enough to stop me so much as washing my face for at least four days. But no, I literally mean everything in the sea. Little fishies like the ones in Finding Nemo, seahorses, turtles, crabs, seaweed, jellyfish, starfish, Michael Fish – whatever, if it lives in the sea, and it isn’t on a plate with chips, I want nowt to do with it.

Why? Because the sea is dark and cold and filled with things that can sting, or bite, or nip, or – in some cases – impale human beings until they die in horrific agony. Going for a swim in the sea is the equivalent of going for a picnic in Dung-gorr the Face-Eater’s cave. Oh, sure, there’s always a chance Dung-gorr won’t be around, but what if he is, people? What if he is??

Don’t believe me? Here’s some things you’ll find waiting for you in our oceans. Unbelievably, none of these are technically monsters.

See what I mean? When you go into the sea, you are entering uninvited into these creatures’ home. So, if anything nasty happens to you – and it will! – you’ve only yourself to blame.

That’s it for part 1. Come back later for Five Frightening Fings Part 2.

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