Hey guys!

A couple of weeks ago I achieved the impossible – I escaped from the caves!!! I won’t bore you with the intricacies of my escape plan – all I’ll say is it included a dark ritual that required 3 fingers from a writer’s hand. I’d like to thank Jon, Barry, and Sam for volunteering a finger each… Well, I say ‘volunteer’… [evil cackle] 

Anyhoo, I gained my freedom, scurried off to the nearest airport, and jumped on the first plane out of the UK. Luckily for me, it was a flight to Sri Lanka where my good friends Kasun and Dinali were getting married! They had a beautiful wedding on the beach, and I was asked to do a reading at the ceremony. I considered reading the infamous decapitation scene from Witchfinder 1, but thought that it might not go down too well with all the aunts and grannies in attendance! After the wedding a group of us headed off to explore Sri Lanka – a truly breathtaking country.

Now here’s the funny thing: I thought I’d successfully escaped all things monstrous… but I was wrong. Imagine my surprise when we visited the Pinnawela elephant orphanage and I saw a beastie from the UK taking a bath with the elephants. Yup, the Loch Ness Monster seemed to have hitched a ride over to Sri Lanka for her summer holidays, and here’s the picture to prove it…

See her there, taking a drink on the far bank?

I was really excited, until it was pointed out to me that ‘Nessie’ was in fact an old coconut tree that had been washed up when the river flooded. Oh, how they all laughed at my gullibility! Everyone knows there is no such thing as monsters! But we know better, don’t we, TBM fans? And on my return to Heathrow Airport the proof was waiting for me. The monsters from the cave had crowded into the arrivals lounge, each holding a large sign, the letters etched in blood:

WELCOME HOME, WILLIAM!!!

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