Long-time readers of this blog may remember that way back in May last year I attempted to rescue the authors from their hideous monster captors. It was a complete and utter disaster (possibly because I tried to rescue them using rhyming couplets, never a good idea). Ever since then, the monsters have been out for revenge… and this month they finally managed to get it!

They lured me in by pretending to be representatives from the Boggart’s Gob Literary Festival, and asked me if I’d like to put on an event for teenagers in their quaint little village. They promised me ice cream, so how could I say no?! (They obviously knew my one weakness: that I’m weak!) I expected there to be a huge festival, in honour of me of course, but on arriving there was just one large, moist, smelly tent with a banner hanging over it on which ‘Book orfurs in heer’ had been written.

Despite being slightly suspicious I walked inside – only to discover that I wasn’t in a tent at all but an actual Boggart’s Gob! It took me a little while to pass through the foul beast’s digestive system, and when I finally plopped out of its rear end I realised that things were far, far worse than I ever could have imagined. I had been… Trapped By Monsters!

Luckily I was prepared for such a scenario. In fact, I’ve been prepared for an encounter with monsters ever since I was a wee boy (a young boy, that is, not a boy made from wee). My first ever book, written when I was six or so, was actually called The Silly Monster Book! As you can see, it is a literary masterpiece, but I didn’t just write it to win the Nobel Prize for Literature, oh no. Somewhere in my young head I must have known that one day I would be captured by foul beasts, and I wrote this book to prepare me for the horrors that lay ahead.

The Silly Monster Book is my only defence against the creatures who dwell down here, and I’m hoping it will tell me enough about them to let me escape. For example, I can clearly see that the Pood has enormous feet, which might let me outrun it. The Swit is so tall it might not see me all the way down here. And the ferocious Need appears to have a strange frilly brassiere for eyes, which means I might be able to sneak past it. With this book, I might just survive.

Just so long as the unthinkable doesn’t happen…

Just so long as my worst nightmare doesn’t come true…

Just so long as I don’t come face to face with the most terrifying monster imaginable…

The Ploop!

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