Andy and I were both dozing in a pile of ogre dung (look – it’s warm, alright?!) when the Monsters suddenly seized us, hosed us down, put us in normal person clothes (and insisted I wear That Badge) and dragged us through the network of tunnels down to the south coast and out into Portsmouth. Then, under cover of weeping Pompey footballers and agitated accountants, they led us into Fratton Park where The 2010 Portsmouth Literature Quiz (seniors) was taking place.

Here we met free-range author Craig Simpson who, having been in the real world for many more days than Andy and I this past year, shored up our patchy knowledge of literature and led us to a… not entirely shameful score.

Hosts of Portsmouth school teams were there to show off their considerable knowledge and St Edmunds School supplied the victors. A shame about the trophy getting superglued to one pupil’s eye. It came off later. The trophy, not the eye.

The photographer has cleverly airbrushed out all fangs, claws and dribble-soaked fur from the minders posted just behind us, and photoshopped in some normal looking Hampshire book fans. Also managed to make me look less virusy (anyone who reads my website musings will know I’ve been embarrassingly feeble recently) and Andy quite friendly. Craig’s expression, however, cannot be mistaken. His thought? ‘Which one of these two smells more ogre dungy?’

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