The monsters have continued to work me hard recently, packing me up and shunting me all over the place to run workshops and events at schools and libraries across the country.

Last week I was posted to Aberdeen. This week I was sent to Strathblane, near Stirling, before being carted down to Glasgow by Brenda, one of the few monsters who can almost pass as human in public. If you ignore seven of her legs.

I was due to be appearing at the fifth AYE WRITE book festival in Glasgow, and I was gobsmacked to discover that I was being allowed to spend the night in a fancy hotel, with nary a slime-fargle or a snorkthunker in sight. It’s wall to wall slime-fargles and snorthunkers around the caves these days. We should probably get someone in to do something about it.

Anyway, I was even more gobsmacked to discover that Brenda wasn’t staying in the hotel. If she stays out of her effluent bath for too long her hide goes all flaky, so she had to return to the caves. Almost as soon as she was out of the way, I made a break for it, sneaking out of my hotel room and racing towards the door like Ali Sparkes towards a box of quality fudge.

I pulled open the door at the top of the stairs, only to be confronted by another ‘guest’ who was staying at the hotel. Of course, the disguise didn’t fool me. I know a monster when I see one.

Before she could brand me the Weakest Link, I legged it back to my room and locked myself in until morning. There was no way I was getting past that. Sure enough, I heard her out there in the corridor all night, pacing back and forth, occasionally snuffling at the gap beneath my door. Give me Brenda any day, flaky or otherwise.

Anyway, I survived the night, and went on to have a great day at AYE WRITE. While there I discovered that Tommy had also been packed up and shipped to the festival, although we were kept in different hotels, presumably so we couldn’t make any escape plans.

Next week I’m being boxed up and posted to Thurso on the very north coast of Scotland, and then I’m back in the caves for a few weeks, so expect some more regular posting from me then.

Probably.

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