I was going to pick up on Ali’s invitation to make a little list about 2009. I even started making a list. Do you want to see how far I got? Here it is:

Best New Chocolate I Discovered: Vivani – especially the ‘Olivio’ dark chocolate, which is made with olive oil.

That’s it. That’s my list. The most memorable feature of 2009 for me has been discovering a new brand of dark chocolate that I like. Does this disappoint you? I hope not.

Certainly, I’ve read lots of fantastic books this year – half-read plenty of duds as well – and I’ve seen some brilliant movies, loved a lot of TV shows… all of that. I’ve also had some pretty odd moments but even if I thought about it very hard I don’t think I’d be able to list all of these things. Now, I love lists and I have an excellent memory, but there seems to be something in my brain that doesn’t like looking back. It’s not that I forget what I’ve done, read or seen this last year, it’s just that the more I think about it, the more I realise that my perspective is to look ahead, which shoves the past out of the way in my consciousness.

So maybe I should do a list of what’s to come in the next decade. OK, let’s give that a go:

Books will obviously become obsolete, but so will computers. I plan to get a chip implanted in my brain so I can access Google directly, as well as some add-ons to my memory which contain all of the classics already pre-loaded, so that it feels like I’ve read them all. Of course, that eliminates the pleasure of reading them in the first place, so I’ll also need an injection into my brain’s pleasure centre which will replicate the joy of discovery and satisfaction at experiencing a good story. But it’s OK, they’ll be able to do that for me.

With all of these extra influences, my writing will develop a long way, but it won’t really be writing. It will just be imagining. I’m good at imagining, so the new decade will suit me very well. I’ll be to think up some concept that I think is amazing and ground-breaking, but is actually a slow, re-hashed cliche using stories that have been done before and better. Then a computer will transfer it from my mind into the real world, where I won’t need to worry about things like story-telling, character and dialogue. Instead I’ll be using blue people. Yes, blue people – definitely the way of the new decade. Might call this new concept ‘Avatar’.

Anyway, I’ve been distracted. But that’s the future: the rise of short attention spans, the closing of libraries, the death of the novel, the end of Test Cricket and the rise of short attention spans.

Or not. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, here’s a little cartoon I like:

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future, Joe Craig, rant