Well, I suppose it had to happen…

Tired of keeping us locked in dark, depressing caves and watching us struggle to understand the unfamiliar Monstrese letters on our bone keyboards as we write for this blog, the monsters went one step further.  We were blindfolded and taken to a theatre in leafy Abingdon where we were forced to compete in a series of humiliating games for their amusement – with the loser destined to be eaten when the spectacle was over!

The first thing we noticed as our blindfolds came off and our elbows were untied was that Barry Hutchison and Mark Robson hadn’t survived the journey.  One of our monster jailers – Pigsnotter, a squidgy purple beast with three and a half noses – had become peckish en route to Abingdon and had snacked on them.  Mark and Baz are expected to return once they have passed through Pigsnotter’s complex and disgusting digestive system.

So, just six authors remained – Andy Briggs, Ali Sparkes, David Melling, Tommy Donbavand, Sam Enthoven and Joe Craig – but which of us would end up served with garnish to the king monster, topped with low salt, reduced sugar tomato ketchup?

David Melling immediately tried to suck up to the king monster by painting a portrait of him while the rest of us were thrown to the front of the stage to begin competing for our lives.

Joe Craig, who had drawn on a new beard with a Sharpie for the occasion, took the role of host and began (under monster orders) to introduce a series of soul-smashing activities that saw, among other things, Ali Sparkes reveal what goes on in her imagination, Tommy Donbavand transformed into a cuddle beast, and Sam Enthoven attempt the frankly unlikely task of impersonating a break-dancing frog.  Even Andy Briggs’ improvised scenario about trying to stop a robot made from cheese by throwing bananas at it (which some consider to be his best work to date) couldn’t lift the authors’ collective spirit.

With the audience baying for blood and – I’m sorry to say – actually laughing at our plight, Joe added up the points at the end of each round as the king monster’s dinnertime crept closer and closer.  But who lost?  Which of the six remaining authors scored the lowest and was served on a slime-covered platter?  Unbelievably, (and Joe’s scoring system was unbelievable), we ended up with minus one point each – and the audience was instructed to decide which of us would become a monster’s meal.  We sat, trembling, as they voted – eventually choosing…

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… Joe Craig!  Yes, after what was clearly an attempt to save his own skin by cheating with the scores, the audience decided that the Jimmy Coates author was the one they wanted fed to the most royal of all monsters.  If you can bear to watch – here’s video footage of Joe’s final moments…

But, what of the rest of us?  Were we granted our freedom and allowed back to our homes and families?  No such luck.  Our only reward was a nibble on a Trapped By Monsters cupcake, then we were bundled into rough hessian sacks and carted back here to the cave.

We must thank Mark from Mostly Books in Abingdon – he gallantly, at great risk, provided copies of our books for the audience to purchase and remember us by – but if we ever find out that he was working in league with our captors to actually arrange the event – he’ll be on the very next monster menu himself.

Will the monsters ever try something as diabolical as this ever again or are we now saved from being the king’s playthings?  The only way to find out is to keep reading Trapped By Monsters.