I’ve never claimed to be any good at poetry, but I’ll try anything once several times. Here’s my attempt at a poem for Ali’s Poetry Challenge.

It was like that when I found it, son, I promise that it was,
I don’t know how his head came off, or what happened to his claws,
I’m not sure why his leg is bent, or why that arm is snapped in two,
Or how those plastic shards got stuck to the bottom of my shoe,

I’ve no idea how his paint got scuffed, or where he got that crack,
And your guess is as good as mine about what happened to his back,
I know I’ve sometimes mended toys you’ve broken in the past,
But I fear that bobbly-head wee guy has bobbled his very last.

Watch the video first.

Oh I wish I’d looked after me wings,
When I’m flying they’re essential things.
Without them it’s wobbly, and landing’s more bobbly
Oh I wish I’d looked after me wings.

I was tryin’ to make my plane dance
When the wing snapped off almost by chance.
It cracked and departed, my own crack then farted
And now I require fresh pants!

(With apologies to Pam Ayres!)

‘Tell Dad that his present don’t work.
He’s made me feel like a right burke!
That bungy elastic ain’t quite so fantastic
It snapped when it should clean and jerk.

I should have suspected foul play.
The box was all dusty and grey.
The rubber was knobbly, the suit was all bobbly
I hope that I’m not stuck this way!’

Yes – it’s been too long since we last had a go at poems, and I am now throwing down the gauntlet to my fellow TBM authors – and anyone else who wants to join in – with a WORD & QUESTION challenge.

Now look – I don’t want eight pages of emotional drivel about falling leaves and crushed hopes – so put your teenage angst poems away, Baz! Invisible Fiends is quite terrifying enough.

BUT I do want brilliant and funny verse – no more than eight lines in length – which MUST include a set word and answer a set question. Those are the RULES.

I used to do a lot of W&Q in years past – and whiled away many a winter evening in this pursuit with my mate Val. We even put together a slim anthology, with illustrations (we didn’t get out much in the early 80s).

The following is a W&Q poem from that anthology – with illustration!

WORD: Bilberry

QUESTION: Has your hamster sharpened all the green pencils yet?

RESULTING POEM: 

Well, he’s trying very hard to get the pencils sharp

But his heart’s not really in it; he’d rather play his harp

I put him in a cornflake packet with nothing but some nuts

I gave him one and said ‘Now crack it – and none of your ifs and buts!’

So he’s trying very hard now, very.

Da da da da da… bilberry.

As you can see, sometimes they can be quite poor. But I was very young. I am sure we can all do better! So here goes – your Word & Question challenge:

WORD: Bobbly

QUESTION: Is there a chance it snapped off by mistake?

I wait…

Talked about Trapped By Monsters. This fella swallowed me weeks ago and I ‘ve just managed to work my way through it’s system – PLEASE, don’t ask. Only trouble is, I left my pencil behind. Keep me covered…I’m going back in…

As you’ll see from this pic in The Buckinghamshire Examiner, the monsters have stolen the top twenty centimetres of my face, leaving me with nothing above my neck but a huge, cheesy grin.

Some people might think it’s an improvement, I know. But I hope the monsters bring the rest of my head back: I’m due to do an event at Borders, Watford today (12 ’til 3 if you’re in the area) and I’ll need whatever sorry brains I can muster.

Go ahead … adopt one. Oh and please make it one of the nasty ones. It’s no wonder all the monsters left in here are grumpy. Over a million of the nice fluffy friendly ones are already being looked after by you lot out there!

Adopt a moshi monster

OK, so it’s a bit silly and childish, but maybe you have a younger sibling who might just like looking after one of these guys!!

The longer we’re kept here the further I rummage into the Monster Archives. And the further I rummage, the more horrified I become. Check my posts on the subject of Illustrations because the proof is piling up: monsters have been trapping authors and artists in these caves for centuries.

Take The Macclesfield Psalter, a stunning illuminated manuscript believed to have been created in the year 1330. Here’s a typical page:

The thing to watch out for with illuminated manuscripts is that the real action isn’t in the text, it’s in what’s happening around it. The Macclesfield Psalter is a perfect example. Check this out, from another page:

Yep, it seems to be a picture of a bloke being menaced by some kind of flying ray creature. Why? Nobody knows. How about this dude (below) attempting to protect himself from a giant snail, while a squirrel – too scared to watch what’s about to happen – covers his eyes:

And what’s going on here (below)? Your guess is, I’m certain, /at least/ as good as mine. Feel free to leave possible captions in the comment box-!

But the dead giveaways of the truth behind all this, for me, are the following:

These specimens – above and below – are clearly the medieval relatives of the double-headed monsters I talked about here.

Ever since I got here and the bag first came off my head, this guy (below) has been strutting up and down on the edge of my pit, making triumphant little braying noises.

And as for this dude…

You see that funnel coming out of his nose? Well, let’s just say that whenever the monsters decide it’s time to give us something to eat, they don’t get it from McDonald’s. ;p

The identity of the artist who created the Macclesfield Psalter remains a mystery. Want to find out more? Check this special website created by The Fitzwilliam Museum where the Psalter currently resides.

But I’ll bet my dinner – and Tommy’s – that whoever the artist was, he painted these monsters from life.

My research continues.

This is really worth taking a look at if you’re at all interesting in coming up with story ideas.

It’s a transcript of the original story meeting in 1978 between George Lucas, Steven Spielberg and Lawrance Kasdan at which they discussed their plans for the character and story of the Indiana Jones movies.

Here’s the link to a blog that tells you all about it, and contains a link to the place where can download the actual transcript:

http://mysterymanonfilm.blogspot.com/2009/03/raiders-story-conference.html

The transcript itself is quite long – the story conference went on for five days! But it’s well worth downloading it if you have any interest in writing, storytelling, moviemaking or anything like that.

Great storytellers at the top of their game. Can you imagine being in the room when all that was going on?

Now I’m wondering about other story conferences that might have taken place that I would want to be part of…

I’ll keep my wishlist to myself for now. Might come to it later. Are there stories you wish you’d witnessed being born?

(By the way, along similar lines, there was a whole play, Moonlight and Magnolias, written about the adaptation of Gone With The Wind. Very funny play, all based on the true story.)

EDIT: I’ve just realised where I first saw this…

…a previous post on this very blog!

Oops.

Sorry about that. But it really is worth looking at. Apologies to my fellow cave-dwellers too for my raving lunacy.

But on the plus side, I’ve baked a cake! OK I haven’t really. I just thought I’d try to distract you from the fact that I’m reading your posts and recycling them as my own.

I hope nobody starts doing similar checks on the content of my books…

I’m spending today being infuriated.

Every now and again I like to take on an emotion and live it for the day. Infuriation is a fun one. I decided to take a ride on the tube and become inappropriately angry at everything. Even little things: the doors closing. The doors opening. The sound my shoes made when I walked along the platform. The funny looks I got when I tried moonwalking instead.

This isn’t for research into a book or character, or anything like that. It’s just a game. Tomorrow I might try a different emotion. Something like… ELATION!

This is harder than it sounds – faking the same emotion all day. I suppose actors do it a lot, but then, they’re nuts aren’t they?

Anyway, back to my infuriation. Let’s get ANGRY!

Grrr.

And so on.

EDIT: Ooh, I just found out there are sausages for lunch. You see how hard it is to be angry? How can anybody be angry when there are sausages for lunch?!