ARE YOU A MONSTER?

OR A PWINCESS?

 

You know how it is. Some of us are monsters. Some of us (male or female) are pwincesses. Not princesses – pwincesses! I’m sure you know the difference.

 

But how can you tell? Apart from noting what your parents shout at you when they’re testy on a Monday morning?

 

Easy! Do the

MONSTER OR PWINCESS QUIZ!

 

Q1. You are invited to a friend’s house for birthday tea and notice that there are all kinds of tasty treats on the party food table, including your favourite – squishy mallows! Nobody has started to eat yet. What do you do?

 

a.     Wait politely until someone takes the cling film off and asks you to help yourself.

b.     Bat your eyelashes and smile winningly at the hostess and start singing a happy little song about flowers – all the while edging backwards and jamming a fork through the cling film, spiking four squishy mallows and then run away to the back garden to stuff them. Daintily.

c.      Shoot out a blast of flame from your left nostril and burn the fur off next door’s cat to create a distraction, then, while everyone’s too busy screaming to look at you, upend the entire table into your four foot wide cake-hole and pig the lot – cling film an’ all.

 

Q2.  At school, you are asked what you did in your holidays. What do you say?

 

a.     “I went to the Isle of Wight and had lots of ice cream and visited Carisbrooke Castle.”

b.     “I went to Disneywand Pawis and I was chosen to be Snow White in the special show and everybody wuvved me and I wore a dwess with sparklies on and was much pwettier than anyone else!”

c.      “I made a giant ball of snot and rolled it across Chessington World of Adventure on a busy day. 8 children, a member of the security staff and a rabbit got stuck in it.  It tasted GREAT, although the Hannah Montana t-shirts gave me heartburn.”

 

Q3. You are asked to help a group of Brownies sell cakes on a stall in the park for charity. They say you can have a few to eat, for helping. What do you do?

a.     Help out by putting the cakes into paper bags as the Brownies take the money. Have a small bun for your trouble.

b.     Do a little ballet dance and wave your baby dolly so adults will be lured in by your irresistible cuteness – then stick ‘em for some hard cash for cake! And if the cheapskates try to get away with only spending a quid, let the tears well up in your big round eyes, and make your little rosebud mouth quiver – and then stick ‘em for another fiver! Demand a pretty big cake too.

c.      Chase all the money carrying adults you can find into a corner, spit orange acid goo in their hair, then threaten to rip their legs off (with actions) if they don’t buy up all the cakes at once. Then, when the cakes are all bought, eat a few Brownies. They did say you could have a few brownies. The badges are extra chewy.

Q4. You’re out for a walk in the country on a lovely sunny day. Suddenly, your true nature just bursts out of you! What do you do?

a.     You run and jump and climb trees!

b.     You start to sing and dance, and little birds and butterflies begin to dance around you and settle on your shoulders and fingertips.

c.      You scuttle under an old stone bridge, crouch down in the water, start grunting ‘Fol-de-rol!’ and then jump up and bite the leg off the next living thing which tries to walk across.

 

WHAT ARE YOUR SCORES?

To find out if you’re a monster, a pwincess, or just a bit ordinary, add up your scores and read on…

 

MOSTLY As

Face it. You’re ordinary. Ah well. We can’t all be entertainingly murderous or nauseatingly cute. Still time to develop some worrying distinctive habits, though, if you work at it.

 

MOSTLY Bs

 

What a sweetiepie you are! What a wuvvly wittle pwincess. And like most pwincesses, although you’ve got a sugary pink coating, underneath you’re a ruthless warrior, obsessed with getting your own way and making everyone PAY if you don’t. Actually, you’re more scary than a monster… Yes – YES – you can have my chocolate bunnies. Take them! Take them! Stop smiling at me… NOT the big eyes – NO not the big eyes… NOOOOOOOOOO!

 

MOSTY Cs

You try to hide it – don’t you? You try to act like a ‘normal’ – but sooner or later the clues will all add up. The children who mysteriously ‘vanished’ at your Hallowe’en barbecue. (Yum!) The chewed up stump of someone’s arm found in your bin. The fangs, the four eyes on stalks, the trail of glowing snot-like goo you leave behind wherever you go. You might as well come clean and just admit you’re a monster and then go BWA-HA-HA-HA!!! before erupting in a ball of purple flame and spinning down, like a possessed top, into the bowels of the earth whence you came.

Go on. You know you want to…

 

 

 

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