While I’ve been sitting here, curled up in the corner of the cave, wrapped in some kind of hide (possibly human? I’m trying not to think about it), I’ve found my mind distracted from the insane ramblings carved on the walls by previously interned writers.

I’ve started to wonder what a monster is. Maybe this is my philosophical training coming through, maybe it’s the lack of vitamin D, maybe it’s just the black holes of my psyche desperately searching for something to bring me out of this mental abyss. Whatever it is, I’m confused.

So many different creatures have come into the cave to harrass me, tease me, chew on a limb or serve me gruel. Some are fluffy, some have tails, some have seven eyes, some have tentacles and some wear a double-breasted suit and insist on telling me about chat shows they used to host in the eighties.

So I’m trying to pin down what they all share that makes them all monsters.

Frankenstein’s monster was, obviously, a monster. I’d say Gremlins are monsters. But dragons aren’t monsters, are they? I’d say they were beasts. Or are all beasts also monsters?

Then there are aliens. Are aliens monsters? Some might say that aliens are only monsters if they have evil intentions towards humans. So E.T. isn’t a monster, but ‘Alien’ from the Alien movies is. Or the aliens in Independence Day – probably my favourite movie aliens. Whereas Gort and Klaatu from ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’ are aliens, but I don’t think anyone could say they were monsters.

So do a creature’s intentions dictate whether or not it’s a monster? After all, we call some humans monsters – Hannibal Lecter, for example. Or Norman Bates in Psycho. But perhaps that’s metaphorical.

And in any case, there are monsters that don’t have evil intentions at all, yet we still call them monsters. The monsters in Monsters Inc, for example. Great monsters, but nothing voiced by John Goodman and Billy Crystal could ever be evil, could it?

I don’t think the Monster Munch Monster is evil. Surely he’s just a very keen supporter of breakfast. I don’t think he’d tear your limbs off over the issue. And the Cookie Monster – he always struck me as a lot of fun. I’d like to hang out with him.

I’ve met none of the fun monsters while I’ve been in here. Where’s Billy Crystal when you need him?

And what is that makes a monster a monster?

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Joe Craig, Monsters, Terry Wogan