Oh – I thought I had it all planned. I had hardened my heart and decided. Even if the lives of seven top children’s authors were in the balance, and even if I was in stupid high heeled shoes and dressed up like a maiden aunt from the 1950s – I was going to LEG IT! I’d had enough of living on fungus and dandruff (Barry’s – not mine!) and the book signing visit to Portsmouth Central Library seemed like my best chance of saving myself.

But I should have known better. The monster who accompanied me disguised himself as 11-year-old Alex Tilley (a boy known quite well to me) and then, just as I was planning to fling the tin of SPAM aside and run for it (in spite of the lovely crowd of Frozen In Time, Shapeshifter and Monster Makers fans who had kindly assembled), he reached forward and began to ‘operate’ me like a puppeteer. His monster skewers sprang out from under his ink-stained fingernails, shot into my brain and made me smile nicely and behave properly.

Dagnabbit (as they say in the cartoons). Foiled again.

And so… here I am. Back in the caves again. Don’t judge me, guys. I bet you’ve thought about doing the same. On the upside, I am now halfway through Joe’s first Jimmy Coates book and at least I’m not 62% alien…

I also have a lot of Spam with me. Yum yum, boys. Get the tin opener… Oh. Oh dear. I’ve just spotted some alternative tins in the pile. They say SAM, not SPAM. And… oooh dear. ‘FULL OF MEATY AUTHORY GOODNESS’. Mr Enthoven..? Are you there? SAM…?!

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