From TBM Guest Blogger - Elizabeth Kay…
I was walking back through the snow on Monday night, minding my own business and plotting out this really great story about a monster who dies from acute indigestion when I heard it.
“Psst. Hey, you.”
The voice was somewhere between a gravelly burp and a wet fart, and whoever owned it had very bad breath. The sort of bad breath that reminds you of cheese and Polo mints, soaked in decaying toadstool soup and seasoned with garlic. I looked round, but it was too dark to see anything properly. A shadow was moving in the shadows. One minute it could have been a particularly ugly dinosaur, and the next minute a rabid bat, and the next… nothing substantial at all.
“Oy. You,” it hissed. “Old lady writer-person. You’ve got a story about a dragon in the magazine Aquila this month, haven’t you? And aren’t you the one who turned a really scary monster into a proper hero?”
I thought for a moment. Then the penny dropped and I said, “Do you mean Grimspite?” (Grimspite is the devil-hyena in my book The Divide who decides to become one of the good guys.)
“Yeah. We’ve got these authors in our cave, see, and we want them to write a story like that, where the monsters are the heroes.”
“I see,” I said. Of course, I knew all about www.trappedbymonsters.com, and I suddenly realised I had the most wonderful fabulous tremendous opportunity ever. If I went along with it, I might be able to rescue those writers. All of them. I’d be the hero. “You want me to persuade them, then?”
“Yeah. Persuade them. Here…” It handed me a mobile phone, which seemed to be covered with slime.
“Oh no,” I said. “I can’t do it by phone. It has to be face to face. You’re going to have to take me there.”
It grunted. Then it burped. Then it farted. Then it said, “Yeah, all right then. Shut your eyes.”
I shut my eyes. A horrible smell wafted past me, and then… nothing. After a couple of minutes I opened my eyes again. There was no one there. Just a piece a bloodstained paper, lying in the snow. I picked it up. It said: Wait behind the dustbins by the canal at midnight on Friday. And don’t bring no one!
Friday. Could the authors hold out that long? And what should I take with me? I need some suggestions, readers, quick… What weapons should I take?
Elizabeth Kay
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04/02/2009 at 8:10 pm Permalink
I think you should take your wits and try to convince the monsters to let them go … but failing that, have a baseball bat ready!
04/02/2009 at 10:22 pm Permalink
Take a big mirror. Hold it up so the monsters will see themselves and be frightened and run away.
04/02/2009 at 11:06 pm Permalink
Might I suggest eight jet-packs and a machine-gun?
Or nine jet-packs, if you want to escape with us, too.
04/02/2009 at 11:51 pm Permalink
I definitely think you’d need a good lawyer…
05/02/2009 at 9:21 am Permalink
Air freshener
05/02/2009 at 5:00 pm Permalink
Lots of twinkies (they sound like they’re American monsters) or a maybe just a large one laced with a sleep inducing drug. Failing that several long toothpicks and your own sweet smell for a quick getaway !!
06/02/2009 at 9:47 am Permalink
take soap. lots and lots of soap.
plus something sharp
06/02/2009 at 12:04 pm Permalink
I think Elizabeth Kay should take signed copies of The Divide trilogy, and some signed photos of Grimspite, and swap them for the authors.