Over the weekend I had the misfortune to get stuck in the cleaning cupboard with a hideous little green-skinned creature. No, it wasn’t Tommy. His skin hasn’t been green since he stopped licking those slugs in his cell.

The creature I was stuck in the cupboard with called himself Gurt Theeg. He’s one of the monsters round here, although so far he’s pretty much kept himself to himself. To be honest, I’d barely noticed him. Now, however, after spending over thirty-eight hours wedged in a closet with him, I know everything from his life story to his spectacular toilet habits.

He’s actually quite a fascinating little creature, Gurt. He’s a Luck Goblin – something I’d never heard of until about eleven hours into our marathon lock-in, when he stopped screaming long enough to hold a proper conversation.

For those of you about to undertake a PhD in Monster Studies, I’ve cobbled the information below together from my chat with Gurt, and from the short entry on Bad Luck Goblins in my copy of Lunt Bingwood’s Monster Guide (Abridged). I hope it’s of some use, while also giving you a bit more of an insight into the life of Gurt, one of our less aggressive captors:

Bad Luck Goblins
Those of you fortunate enough to be unfamiliar with Bad Luck Goblins will most likely be wondering what one is. Allow me to explain. A Bad Luck Goblin is like a Good Luck Goblin, only in reverse. Ironically, though, in many respects a Bad Luck Goblin is actually luckier than a Good Luck Goblin, despite what the names suggest.

Good Luck Goblins are highly sought after by almost everyone, and most find themselves captured and imprisoned by those wishing to take advantage of their luck-bringing abilities. Granted, many captive Good Luck Goblins tend to find the locks fall off their cages more often than could be reasonably expected, or discover their cells contain secret passages which no-one was previously aware of and which are exactly big enough for a full size adult Goblin to fit through. By and large, though, a Good Luck Goblin can generally look forward to spending more of its life locked up than it can roaming free.

Bad Luck Goblins, on the other hand, have no such worries. No-one has ever tried to capture a Bad Luck Goblin, because, in the main, most people want to keep them as far away as possible.

Many Bad Luck Goblins, like Gurt, actually make their living as misery-bringers for hire, since sometimes the only thing more satisfying than having good luck for yourself is inflicting bad luck upon your enemies.

A truly ill-fated Bad Luck Goblin can make a lot of money bringing bad fortune to the enemies of rich men. Sadly, Gurt is only an averagely unfortunate Bad Luck Goblin and as a result can only scrape a modest living at best. In many respects this makes him even unluckier than the unluckiest Bad Luck Goblins, since they can at least afford to call the builders in every time the roof caves in or the toilet explodes.

So you could argue that Gurt is both the unluckiest of Bad Luck Goblins, and yet more lucky than some of the other Bad Luck Goblins, who are luckier as a result of being much unluckier than he is.

Say what you like, they’re a confusing species, Luck Goblins.

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