I have suspected it for a while… and now I have found out the truth. These monster tunnels really do run all around the world. Nobody is safe!
For the last few weeks, CornFlag the Vomit Master of the Lower Caverns has forced me to march along these endless tunnels. Stopping only to eat fish bones and suck the moisture from stones, I was never allowed to sleep. The monsters had a mission for me. It seems they don’t buy their books from regular bookshops – no, they mine them from the earth like precious gems. Occasionally they are washed ashore on remote tropical beaches and their slaves harvest them. That’s what they needed me to do.
The light at the end of the tunnel was blinding, and I could smell the warm salty air, mixed with my smelly armpits, and the half-dozen armpits of my guide – which smelt suspiciously of wee.
Then I was on a tropical beach, apparently somewhere in California – my mission: to harvest as many books as possible. We had found a rich vein of Sam Enthoven’s superb book, THE BLACK TATTOO.
They were everywhere: in bushes, in the sand, in caves and under seaweed – the more I found, the longer I could spend out of the caves to prepare for the US release of HERO.COM: RISE OF THE HEROES and VILLAIN.NET: COUNCIL OF EVIL (which are launched at the end of April), and the awesome TV show The Cartoon Network are developing.
After a successful “Tattoo” harvest, I was fed on tacos dipped in foot cheese allowed to work on my projects for a few hours before being dragged back into the caves. However, despite all the walking and lack of sleep caused by walk-lag (the Monsters don’t have jets) I had learnt something valuable from the experience – the monsters are everywhere… and so are great books.
Keep your eyes peeled; you never know what you’ll find…
10/02/2009 at 7:26 pm Permalink
I don’t suppose you’ve found a crop of ripe Pratchetts, have you?
19/02/2009 at 10:39 am Permalink
no there in discworld on top of four elephants on top of the great A’tuin wondering not quite aimlessly through space
21/02/2009 at 2:17 pm Permalink
try finding the darren shan books they are good + you wont have to betray the other authors and feed the monsters their books
21/02/2009 at 7:14 pm Permalink
I’m a big fan of Shan the Man and his work – his monsters might be a bit extreme for this cave, however!
22/02/2009 at 8:00 pm Permalink
What, like that old geezer that teachers spiders to dance? Oh yeah, we don’t want anyone like that in here. Terrifying…
And wasn’t Mr Tall one of the Mr Men? I don’t recall him ever hosting a freakshow in the Roger Hargreaves series. Mr Tickle would be horrified.
26/02/2009 at 7:52 pm Permalink
What’s the name of the Cartoon Network show? I’d love to find out