OK, so I was terrified at first, and maybe I’m still a little bit terrified, but then I decided that if we were ever going to get out of our monstrous predicament, we were going to have to be a bit devious.

So I’ve been hanging out with one of our captors.

I chose him because he was the most ferocious-looking creature, which obviously I took to mean that he was masking deep-seated insecurities and deep down he was just lonely.

I was right!

This may sound disgusting and grisly, but for the good of all the writers trapped in here by these monsters, I spent all evening with this creature. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

Turns out that although he is known by his colleagues as ‘Fnog-bwat, Chewer of Gristle’ his real name is Thandie. After a few hours of gentle coaxing and a lot of licquorice (which I always carry with me, in case I encounter lonely monsters) he told me not just his name, but so much more…

…and he let me out for the day!

Yes, it turns out that there are many ways of pleasing these monsters. We’d already found out that poems and stories are a good way of keeping them happy, but Thandie revealed to me that the monsters would let me out for the day if I visited a school to get everyone into writing and reading and all that crazy stuff.

I wasn’t sure whether to believe this at first, but I looked into Thandie’s teary eyes, all thirteen of them, and I trusted him. Then he licked my face for luck and sent me to Gateway Primary School in North London.

Guess what I found when I got there. Yes, that’s right…

…MORE MONSTERS!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thandie betrayed me. My mother always told me never to trust anything that drools more than it sweats. As soon as I arrived at that school I was devoured by 120 monsters from Year 5 and 6. They chewed parts of my soul, grinned their blood-curdling grins and even sang an ear-splitting monster song that squeezed my brain until I could feel only fear.

Then they built piles and piles of my Jimmy Coates books and forced me to sign them all.

So, fellow authors… if you desperately need to get out of this predicament for a few hours, maybe you have the guts to take on the monsters lying in wait for us at schools all over the world. But I tell you – it’s not worth it. I’m still shivering with the trauma.

I’m going to curl up in a nice corner and get used to the rest of eternity in this cave complex. Now will one of you please keep Thandie away from me?

He’s stroking my leg now.

This is not right.

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