…don’t snap any twigs or pull the leaves off the trees. They hate that. No really, they HATE that.
I’m just saying.
Fight or Flight For ‘Inappropriate’ Author
I was back on the schools circuit again today – my first school event of the year! Lately I’ve been doing fewer school appearances – in theory so I can keep more days for writing. But where do those writing days go? MYSTERIOUS THEFT OF DAYS IS HAPPENING.
The side-effect of doing fewer school visits is that each one seems a lot more fun. It’s special. I have more energy. I’m more spontaneous and I find myself genuinely listening to what my audience has to say, rather than going through some slick routine that’s safe & familiar.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that I never fall back on a few old tricks I’ve developed or a couple of favourite stories I like to wheel out every now and again. It also doesn’t mean that things never go wrong. Today I managed to combine both when I slipped into one of my favourite ‘bits’ – a Hitler impression. Somehow, sometimes, it IS relevant to what I’m meant to be talking about, but as I’m sitting here, I can’t quite put my finger on how. Never mind. It’s find. It’s my chance to pretend I’m Sacha Baron Cohen or Peter Sellers.
Sadly, just as I was getting warmed up with my subtle German accent and Aryan philosophy, I noticed how many of the students were filming me. Not just taking pictures, but actually filming. I panicked. Suddenly all I could think of was the OUTRAGE that would follow if any of these video clips found their way onto youtube.
Remember when Prince Harry dressed up as a Nazi? Or was it Prince William? Or was it the Queen? I can’t remember. But I remember everyone was pretty upset about it. Now, I’m not Prince Harry or Prince William or the Queen, and nor was I dressed as a Nazi. But somehow, one of my favourite routines, which always gets a great response from the audience, felt a little… inappropriate. OK, it felt A LOT inappropriate.
So, in my panic, what did I do?
My ‘fight-or-flight’ response kicked in. Unfortunately, both FIGHT and FLIGHT kicked in at the same time. So I ran round the room (a large-ish library, audience of 100) nicking all the mobile phones and cameras that were pointed at me. I gathered them up like an elf stealing jewellery at a dinner party. (Do elves do that? I don’t know. I’ve never been to a dinner party.)
That was the ‘fight’ response. Then came the ‘flight’. I ran out of the room.
100 students and several teachers were left baffled. I realise now how it must have appeared. I turned up at their school, pretended to begin an author event, then nicked a load of iphones and ran away.
I think I must have blacked out for a few minutes because I don’t really remember what happened. All I know is that I came round lying on the roof of a volvo in the car park, mobile phones spread out around me. And somehow there was a laptop sitting on my chest.
I was a little disorientated. Who knows how much time had passed.
I gathered up as many phones as I could carry (and, weirdly, there seemed to be more than I could carry – how had I got them all there?) and tried to take them back to the library. That’s when I found out I wasn’t in the car park of the school. I was in the car park of a branch of Sainsbury’s. The St Alban’s branch. The school I was supposed to be at was nowhere near St Alban’s, it was in West London.
I’m proud of the fact that at this point I did not panic. But that’s just about all I’m proud of. I used my own phone to find the number of the school. I rang them up to apologise. There was an awkward conversation which wasn’t completely resolved when the owner of the volvo turned up. Turns out he’d been parked at the school I was visiting a few hours previously and driven from there to St Alban’s. At no point did he mention that I’d been on his roof the whole time. I don’t think that’s possible. Surely it isn’t. And yet, I can’t think of any other way that I got where I was.
It took me 2 hours to get back to the school. By this time the school day was nearly over, but the librarian (very understanding, very confused) was kind enough to assemble almost all of the students in the library again. (I’m not entirely sure they were the same students. They looked a little older. One of them was in a boiler suit. I don’t know why. One of them had a beard.)
I promised I’d pick up where I left off and apologised for panicking. They sat in complete silence while I told them the story about the time I lost my shoe on a train. Then I opened it up for questions.
First question: who are you?
Second question: did you bring my phone back?
The third question was very kindly written on a piece of paper, wrapped around a mug and gently hurled in my direction. That was from the librarian.
So it was a mixed response from the audience, but all in all I’d say it was a success. Felt good to be back on the schools circuit…
…you know – getting myself out there…
AUNTIE BACTERIAL
With a pungent mix of delight and disgust we welcome back to the caves ace illustrator Phil Harvey, and this:
“I promised to send you a monster,” says Phil, “and I keep my promises. Here is Auntie Bacterial! Minging!”
We can only agree. 
“Also” (Phil continues) “here is a link to the children’s section of my website. You may enjoy it. It shows off my softer, caring, gentle side.”
For more of Phil’s work check his previous guest posts to TBM here and here.
Turning Japanese
素晴らしいニュース！
Scream Street launches in Japan next week – with these incredible covers!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TARZAN!
This summer sees the 100 year anniversary of one of literatures’ most popular and enduring characters, Edgar Rice Burroughs’ TARZAN. There will be plenty of activities this coming summer to celebrate the Ape Man’s centenary – including the release of my second Tarzan reboot: TARZAN: THE JUNGLE WARRIOR. And be on the look out for more Edgar Rice Burroughs’ news with the coming release of Disney’s JOHN CARTER this March (you can check out the trailer right here), and news on an animated TARZAN movie next year!
Check back here for more details over the comping year. In the meantime, here’s a competition for you to win a SIGNED copy of TARZAN: THE GREYSTOKE LEGACY! Head over to THE BOOK ZONE to enter.
The Hounds of Feet
To Tokyo Dome for the Furusato Matsuri, a massive festival of awesome things from all over Japan. There was spectacular costumed dancing…
…aisle upon aisle of the most delicious regional speciality foods…
…and this dude:
He’s a Namahage, a terror to Japanese children everywhere. If you’re lazy or disobedient, screaming, roaring Namahage might come to your house and peel your feet.
The kids in the pic above must be very well-behaved to be able to look so relaxed. I can think of several good reasons not to want to hold a Namahage’s machete, can’t you?
Revolver – Marcus Sedgwick
Wow! What a great book this is! I read My Swordhand is Singing by Marcus Sedgwick some years ago and loved it, but for some reason I never got round to reading anything else by this remarkably talented author until now. For those young readers who are put off by weighty tomes, Revolver is perfect for you. It’s short. It’s compelling. It’s clever. It’s brilliant!
The year is 1910. A young boy called Sig Andersson is sat in a cabin north of the Arctic circle with only the frozen corpse of his father for company when there is a knock at the door. A dangerous man is outside. A man from his father’s past. A man who will do anything to find the gold he thinks Sig’s father possessed. But Sig knows nothing of any gold and as the man presses him harder, all he can think about is the Colt Revolver hidden in the storeroom.
This is a superb read. If you’ve never read anything by Marcus, I’d say this is a great book to start with. It certainly won’t be the last time you’ll be seeing me talking about his work here. If I gave star ratings (which I don’t) this would get the full five.
DOES THIS AUTHOR KNOW ANYTHING?
FIND OUT by watching EGGHEADS on BBC2 at 6pm tomorrow (Fri 6 Jan). Will Ali Sparkes (front left) bring shame upon authorkind if she gets the Literature round? I couldn’t possibly tell you (they’ll send the Eggheads attack dogs if I do) but it’ll all be out there tomorrow teatime…
The Tanuki who Spooked Me
Ever since I arrived in Japan I’d been wondering when I was going to run into these guys:
They’re tanuki. I first learned about them and their unusual, um, anatomical powers from the brilliant Studio Ghibli anime Pom Poko, in which they star. While tanuki traditionally tend towards mischief rather than malice, it’s best not to rub them up the wrong way. Something that didn’t appear in that story was that the males are known for occasionally smothering enemies to death with their gigantic, shape-shifting-
No. No: this being a family site I won’t say which part of their anatomy they use. But if the, erm, generous proportions of the guys in the pic above don’t provide a clue, perhaps this Wikipedia link about tanuki will help.
Before taking the photo of these tanuki I made sure to ask their permission very, very nicely. Then I thanked them, told them I was glad to have met them, and walked away very, very fast.
On Being Inappropriate
Moving (gratefully) to cojones of a metaphorical nature, I’m enormously inspired by this awesome interview with Maurice Sendak, which I caught last week on Boing Boing.
Anyone hoping for a sequel to Where the Wild Things Are might want to prepare themselves for bad news, though. ;p
Sam
